Monday, April 30, 2007

I have a drug problem...

Turns out one Benadryl knocks me out and makes me a complete zombie. I had miserable allergies early this morning, took a Benadryl and have not been able to function all day. Brilliant. The warning label should read "do not operate heavy machinery or expect to be able to take care of your children in any way resembling normal parenting upon taking this medication." Oy!

I need a hero!

I had forgotten this song even existed but when I heard it today it struck a cord with me. (No pun and all that...)
I know this girl - let's call her Carrie (because this sounds like an episode of that show) - whose boyfriend turned out to be...well, let's just say a sad example of how not to break up a relationship. And even sadder, every one who hears the story of said Carrie says that he is being "a typical male." What is the matter with people today? Where is the honor and decency and manners! I am irate at the utter indecency of this guy's behavior. I am frustrated that I am too far away to help "Carrie" and I wish I could flick some magic wand and make everything all better. I also feel guilty that I don't appreciate my own husband more - I guess, I found one hero out there - and I ought to be more grateful for that.
I also wish I could sort out my clichés and write something terribly witty about this whole thing but I am honestly just too tired and angry to put it all into words. I am disgusted that this guy doesn't have the balls to break up like a man - or maybe you have to be a girl to do that?! And is that even appropriate to write on here? Ah - I am too tired to think - I guess I'll just hum "I need a hero..." for a while and hope it makes the world a better place.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

somewhere in my youth or childhood...

I must have done something good...

I llok at those two boys and wonder how I ever got blessed enough to be their mother. They are so crazy and funny and stubborn and intense and so amazingly lovable. Ah. My little monkeys!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Meanings and Reasons

I thought about those tonight. Meanings and reasons, that is. And I realized that I don't think there is always a reason for the things that happen in life. I often hear people state that while we don't understand something, there is a reason why it it happened - a reason as in a grander purpose - and I don't think I believe that it is always so. Sometimes bad things happen because people make bad choices. Sometimes people use their agency without any consideration for others, for life, for good. This week a kid walked onto a campus and killed 33 people, including himself. I don't think God made that happen for a reason, I think the guy lost it and made a choice that forever will resonate in the lives of these victims' families and friends. (Including his own family.) I imagine God bowed his head in sorrow too this past Monday - and each time one of us uses our agency to wreck havoc in the world and the lives of others.
I think sometimes the only meaning we can find in such tragedies is the one where we turn to God in pain and fear and learn that while the horrifying, unimaginable, wicked things happen, we do not have to cry alone because He is always with us. And He is ready to comfort us and give us peace in our souls at least, even when there is no peace to be found in the world. Sure, there are lessons to learn, and as we rise above the things which are brought into our lives we find that the new direction our lives take is beautiful as well. Sometimes as we experience loss and pain we can use it to make someones else's life better and more beautiful. And maybe that is the meaning - that we learn to use the pain in our life to ease the pain in someone else's. And see - I am looking for a reason after all. Heh. I guess I can't write off God's hand in my life as easily as I thought I could. After all my ramblings I found a meaning and a reason. Guess there was a reason I was wondering about this. ;-)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Kiss Me Sam - No, On the Lips!

Sam was playing at Aubrey's house and Amy over heard the following conversation through the monitor:

A: Kiss me Sam
A: Kiss me Sam!
S: I did already
A: No, on the lips!
(At which point Amy went upstairs and told Aubrey about the proper not asking friends to kiss you etiquette :)

Hee, hee, hee! What do I even say to that? I guess Aubrey wanted to play sleeping beauty and Sam had to be the prince, which he wasn't really interested in. 12-13 years from now, he's probably gonna be wishing he'd taken the chance when he had it, but for now my little boy is too cool for that stuff. I can't help but laugh - it's so darling and innocent. And so typical Sam. Everything has to be on his terms, on his time. I guess the whole apple and tree bit is true after all.
The little guy is so stubborn and good at pushing my buttons, while he is still just endearing and brilliant and my little baby boy. Ah - today he scared me to pieces - when I picked him up from hs playdate I talked to Amy for a few minutesa nd when I turned around I couldn't see him anymore. I figured he'd just started walking home and hurried after him, but didn't see him anywhere, so by the time I got to the front door I was getting a little freaked and having thoughts of kidnappings running through my mind.. We do have that very large and trafficked road by our door. So I start calling his name with an edge of panic in my voince and heard his little voice though the door. The little stinker had let himself in (I hadn't locked the door) and closed the door behind him. I hugged him tight and told him never to walk away like that again and he said "but mami, I was cold." I went on for a while about how worried he made me and to tell me that he was cold and then I remembered that he had crossed the parking lot to get home as well. His reply to my car lecture was "I checked for cars." And I have to admit, I was proud of him - my little boy taking initiative, making it home and even remembering to look for cars. My heart still skips a beat at the thought of the what if's but for that moment I mostly just felt proud. I guess the craziness doesn't come from strangers either...

Thursday, April 5, 2007


- or is it indecision?...
Sad, sad thing isn't it? The fact that I can't make a decision about little things like spelling the word in my headline is a sad indicator of the fact that I suffer from severe indecisiveness. (Or indecision.) On my good, days I make it through with only a minimal amount of wavering back and forth between my options. On my bad days, I contemplate everything in my life and second-guess previously made choices.
Here's a great example: I decided to be a stay-at-home mom. Then I tried it and felt trapped, unfulfilled and on the verge of insanity. Fair enough, you might say; staying at home isn't for everyone and at least I tried it. Right. So I went back to school and am now six weeks away from graduation. (Of course after switching careers half-way due to another bout of the "illness".) Since I wasn't good at staying at home, you would think there wouldn't be a question as to whether or not I should get a job and yet there is - apparently I am completely incapable of making a decision and sticking to it, because I have no idea what to do now. I have liked school and it felt like the right decision (both hair and then aesthetics) but now it feels kinda right to get back home with the kiddos. I have done a few interviews (and even a brief stint with a job for Mod Skin) but it just doesn't seem to fall into place with life, the kids, Evan's finals and the bar. But I am so torn because it seems like such a silly thing to get an education and then not use it. And then it seems like a good thing to be home with the kids. Maybe I feel good about that because I have had school twice a week, so I haven't actually been a full time sahm. Or maybe I have just gotten older and more mature. I don't know. Of course I don't - that would involve making a decision. Argh.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Home Again

This weekend I went to Chicago for my friend Janell's bridal shower. I don't even remember the last time I was just responsible for me and no one else; it was amazing :) I missed my monkeys and Evan and I felt the inevitable guilt for leaving, but I also had so much fun.
What is it with this guilt-thing that mothers have, anyway? We feel guilty for anything and everything. Do they give you something when you have the baby that automatically causes you to feel inadequate and guilty or is this something we women do to ourselves? Guilty for working or staying home. Guilty for not being perfect because we might do something wrong or for being too perfect so the kids feel too much pressure. (OK, the latter has never been a problem for me...) Guilty for playing too much and not keeping a clean house or guilty for cleaning too much and not playing enough. I could keep going, but then I'd just feel guilty for spending too much time on the computer.
I guess the issue isn't whether we feel the guilt, it's how we ignore it, still do our best and feel satisfaction in that. I love that line in the Relief Society theme: "[we] find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood." It doesn't mention that we are perfect and do it all well - no, it says that we find (as in look for and find) nobility in being mothers. In watching, teaching, laughing and even in the mundane, repetitive tasks, many of which are Sisyphean in nature. Guilt isn't mention anywhere. maybe it's time to leave it behind.
I wonder if I'll feel guilty about that?