Thursday, December 22, 2011

There ought to be stupidity interventions...

Sometimes I feel like I ought to hand over my decision making to someone else. I feel that by doing so, my life would surely run smoother and I would avoid foolish choices. An example - For years,  I have had a nagging feeling that I really ought to finish my Bachelor's degree. I was foiled by meeting E, moving to the US, having children, and moving again. I have tried to quell the feeling by doing all kinds of other things, including becoming an esthetician, but I haven't quite been able to shake the desire to graduate from college. Then earlier this year, I had the brilliant notion that I could finish my degree through BYU (my college) online. Now I am left with the lingering question of why there aren't interventions for stupid decisions such as going back to school while the kids are small and the husband is never home! I was reasonably busy and somewhat stressed before. Now I am a basket case. I am only taking one class at a time and it is still killing me. I am stressing out about the class, about getting homework done and most recently about missing quite a few questions on a test. (This is obviously stress in addition to all the usual stuff I can find to stress out about...) I kind of want to quit...but then I don't want to be a quitter - or teach my kids that it is okay to quit when things get hard. On the other hand I may be replacing my sanity with a degree...Provided I actually manage to finish.
It doesn't help that I am a bit of a crazy perfectionist and stress out to the nth degree if I don't do well on a test. I do realize that I am totally broken - I just don't know how to shut up the perfectionist in my head....I wonder if they have medications for trying to get all the answers right, all the time?

I am completely aware that people do time-consuming, stressful and difficult things all the time. I have just misplaced the ability to do them with grace. Which brings me back to this - why didn't anyone stop me? And would someone like to make my decisions for me from now on?

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